fog comes in on little pig feet

that's how i feel when the chemo fog descends and again when it leaves. just realized hadn't blogged for awhile. this is just a check in ...will blog tomorrow! too tired to make sense now. going in for herceptin w/ kids tomorrow....

kismet

in my crazy rush to get all the chanukah / xmas shopping done i did have one of those ah-ha moments at the mall....as i walked (quickly) by gucci, i noticed their sale sign and made a quick detour into the store...and there they were.

before i tell you this little tale, i must confess that i am a shoe girl. handbags do nothing for me but a great shoe? wow. it's kind of orgasmic :).

so these boots i'd seen advertised in september in the ny times and at that time they were way out of my price range. i knew i'd have to one day own them but september got eaten up by cancer so i forgot to do my usual obsessing over the boot.....so when i walked into the store i made a bee line back to shoes....and there it was....waiting for ME.

when i asked to try them on, they apparently only had ONE boot there - but it was in my size. Danielle, the sales girl said she knew how to get the other one there and i said, giddyup. "please call me when they are in!".

I ran to the mall w/ syd on a mad xmas shopping trip before dinner with the girls....I had already justified it in my head as it had been marked down to just a little above my price point....it was now 60% off original price and that's as good as it's going to get..... AND THEY ONLY HAD 1 OF MY SIZE.

Kismet :)

When I joined our friends at amy's birthday dinner for Amy, all i could talk about were my boots. i kept saying (in a Carrie Bradshaw voice) "look at my boot" and i'd hold my leg up...."and they're GUCCI!"

I'm wearing them to chemo. bet tch never met gucci.

ciao bella!

flat tops

sam wanted to get in on the photo action so we decided to compare haircuts. then he put on my work out bandana ....

at this point, my hair has mostly all fallen out. now i kind of u'stand what men go through when they lose their hair - i'm pretty bald on the sides now, although the left side is balder than the right side and the top of my head has bald patches. i never thought i'd be one of those people who wore hats around the house but it's a little chilly w/out anything on and the wig i rip off the minute i get into the house. it makes your head itchy and a little sweaty.

my mom read this blog and wants me to write about my previous life meaning life before cancer so i guess that'll be my next entry. i first have to remember what my previous life was!

today i'm going to restorative yoga which i felt was really transformative so i'm excited. i love the ropes.

back to normal

i felt normal thursday and friday but woke up realizing that chanukah was friday. spent both days running around like a lunatic trying to gather gifts that were mostly thoughtful and relatively inexpensive.

i hate malls.

it must be from the many days spent as a buyer at macy's in the late '80s & early '90's visiting sotres and eating lunch at the depressing food courts. when i go to the mall i still get that anxious feeling of making sure i don't miss anything anywhere.

i tend to walk very fast looking in the stores and checking off mentally if i need anything from those stores, looking at their sale signs and deciding on the spot if it's worth a look see. beware the sales associate who stops me and asks if i need help. i neither want nor need help unless i ask for it. when i do ask for it, i want it right away....so not fun for them. oh well......i am a girl with a mission!

anway, we had chanukah last night and i think everyone was pleasantly surprised. ben, sam & i made enough latkes for the millenium, we sang our songs and opened gifts and even played a few rounds of dreidel. simple pleasures :)

i think i've now ordered enough stuff online to cover the days i don't have anything for them....i'm good with yankee peddler / secret santa and i think my credit card can take a break!!!!



afterwards h & i went to a neighborhood dinner at gigi & pauls and met the new people who just moved in. i'm getting used to wearing the wig now. i was going to go as a blonde but i figured since i didn't know them maybe i should just downplay the cancer part. drank this awesome spanish after dinner sweet wine. i think it gave me technicolor dreams that are still replaying in my head now:)



looking forward to today, tomorrow and next week where i should still feel "normal". happy holidays!!!!

rebounding effect

coming out of chemo week is like coming up for air when you've been down on the bottom of a pool holding your breath. everything around you still feels not quite focused and looks slightly out of focus. you're not quite sure if you're ready to be back on the dry land or if you should just hang out in the water waiting for a bit.

for me, i find i do everything more tentatively and slowly. all the normal things i might normally jump into i go in with my arms out - just in case i'm going to trip or fall. even getting dressed and putting on makeup feels like a huge effort. a girl i connected with through my oncologist who had gone through the same regimen i'm on had said that each chemo takes longer to come out of. she's so right. it's wed, 10 days after chemo, already...and i am just starting to feel like my old self. this time round i was hit with a lot of weeping and crying at the slightest provocation. weepy, annoyed, on edge and very very tired. so not like my normal peppy self....it was doubly upsetting to be like that.

so today i met with a doctor who kind of gave me the end of the tunnel date to think about....while we were talking about steps after chemo it was oddly encouraging to know that i will probably probably be back to regaining my life by summer. so nice to see that light beckoning at the end of the tunnel.

tired & weepy :(

no particular reason but feeling tired and weepy today. had a nice day, in fact. went to blue hill at stone barns and walked around w/ maeve & jackie. went to gym and did my bands/ arm weights and then came home and showered. feeling very bloated and crabby and tired. maybe it's time to hit the sofa and watch a mad men episode.

this round is actually better than last. i don't have the bone pain from the neulasta which was almost debilitating last time. just blah.

missing my hair :( chemo #2

it's almost like i can feel a phantom of my old long hair at times. i was sitting watching tv last night and it felt like there were long braids by the sides. weirdness. haven't really been wearing my wigs that much. even braved it w/out anything to momofuku ssam. figured the east village was a great place to look different.

chemo was y'day. waiting to see how all the effects are this time.....the day was pleasant, if you can beleive it. had howard, mom, wendy, thalia, tamar, toni and darci there (in and out in various times) for the day....pleasant and fun. i'm always so woozy i don't remember the conversation all that well but it was warm. lunch was great.

will report back later....