last treatment

today was my last herceptin. wow. it warranted a trip back to maialino....:)

what a great way to end this year of years. i invited my cancer girl power mgment team - and tried to toast them but couldn't get the words out w/ out tears.

hard to believe that i am now "clear". so weird to think that it is all behind me now (yay) and that i can just go back to living my life.

so here i am. 12 months since my first chemo.....

definitely makes me wonder what that should include now.

staring down the pill

so tonight is my night to start tamoxifen. i do it with some apprehension juxtaposed with some relief that i've reached this point in my treatment. i'm nervous that i'll have some of the side effects which would suck after everything else i've had so i'm trying to remember what aches and pains i have normally (knees and stiffness) vs. what i may experience. also hot flashes. woo woo. already have them but people say you get more. so pleasant. i liken it to being stuck into a pizza oven.

i am tired tonight. had my 30th hs. reunion this weekend and was out 'til 2 2 nights in a row only to be followed up by a party. couldn't sleep last night. music was replaying in my head. hoping it's a quieter evening for me tonight! some nights it's hard to turn that station off it seems.

need to write about my reunion but that is really for a different post.

so glad to see the miners come up. amazing.

ciao

some days it hits me again

i went to my sam's back to school night last night. most of the time i'm good - so good. i don't think about the cancer and i don't really dwell on it but for whatever reason last night i was thrust back into remembering that i did have cancer...when i told sam's science teacher that i'd had it last year but that i was "all good" and on the road to recovery i got teary eyed.

sometimes i think when i realize that my kids are the kids that will be watched carefully - in case they get upset, in case something happens - and that i can't change that. and again, it's those random acts of kindness that hit you that you can bring you to your knees.

i got this email from one of sam's teachers when i emailed him last night:

"We had a heads up about your cancer from the Guidance Counselor. I'm glad that

it's going well and that Sam is dealing with it well. We will continue to be  watchful.  I'm glad to have your last kid. He is a joy--thoughtful, intelligent, and  enthusiastic.   "

so nice.  

it has been a long time since i posted. i think i needed a break from everything. april, may & june were tough for me and it's taken 'til now for me to feel whole & safe again...it's been a really good summer, though. have had time to just hang with my friends, exercise, eat and feel strong and ready for the next phase of my journey. i do the exchange surgery on sept. 14th. then i'll have (hopefully) just one more small surgery to put everything back into it's place.

my hair's grown back a bit and i'm gaining weight. wondering when i'm going to need to stop eating all the desserts i want. eventually the extra stuff will put on too many extra pounds i fear.

will start writing a bit more as i get closer to my next step. i am actually coming up on my year of when this storm started - hard to believe it's been that long already.

clean slate

yippeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

had final procedure for preventing cancer last week and was just given a clean slate. couldn't even write the past month or so as it was all BAD but it is amazing to know that i finally had a procedure that didn't result in the wrong guessed pathology. finally feel like i've turned a corner on this................

will write more on this part at a later date but at least now it's all about rebuilding, reconstruction, decorating and renewal.

perfect storm

swirling vortex of shit. what should i call that? diarrhea?

went into surgery with high hopes that it was the beginning of the end. now i liken it to doing house construction. you open a wall up and there's always something there that was not expected. in my case it has still not come to a satisfactory end. they found something under both NAC sites....now there is dissension between cornell and nyu as to what that was. this in addition to another tumor in the supposedly unaffected breast. have wavered between taking off the whole thing and just "popping the top" off what i now call the muffin. or taking off what i now refer to as the pepperoni. those of you who have some imagination can probably figure this out.

have researched and spoken to everyone and apparently i fall into the grey area and no one knows exactly what to advise/ tell and no one really able to give me definite risks for any of the surgeries / non surgeries. not fun. not positive. not happy.

surgery 1

here we go. for those of you not in the know, i decided to have preventative surgery so tomorrow is the first of 3, count them, 3 surgeries. this is the big one and will suck ...just hoping the results are good and i am then cancer free in mind and body.

getting better all the time...

with the cast and the get up ....best news today was that the cast is working. my hand looked substantially smaller and i saw parts that i hadn't seen in 2 weeks. my lymph pt says it's not getting the fluid out...it's maintaining that. never ending battle.

lymphedema

very frustrating. either from flying or the altitude or the skiing or some combination of the two, i have swelling in my right hand. i hit my low spot on the first day of skiing....we had taken a few runs and had stopped at one of the lodges when i noticed that my hand seemed swollen. i had worn a sleeve to fly that felt like it was cutting off the circulation at my wrist but what would i know? i had ordered the sleeve like i was told and was wearing it to protect agst lymphedema...trying not to freak out i told the kids to keep skiing and that i would go call some people to figure this out.

i called my pt person, my oncologist's office and then tried to rebuy a glove and sleeve for the airplane home and have them shipped to the place i was staying.

after accomplishing all this, i went into the bathroom at our condo (why is it always in the bathroom?) and started sobbing hysterically. i wanted to feel normal after all those months of chemo and to not think about the cancer - just for the 4 days of skiing.

instead, it's like i keep getting hit in the ass with it. not only am i the only bald girl i notice skiing but i'm also the only one with a swollen right hand, a huge black & blue on her belly (the shot so my ovaries won't work) and the one with more shit to look forward to upon my return.

hard to not feel somewhat sorry for myself. what other part of my body won't function the way it's supposed to when all this is said and done?

so i had my cry, put on my boots and went skiing.

off to deer valley

all decisions have been made finally about next steps and i am off to beautiful deer valley to ski for 4 glorious days.

more later :)

3 weeks and counting...

3 weeks out of chemo....every day is a better day :).

just went for my mri y'day. i know it was probably not necessary but getting a good reading off of that will certainly make me feel better. theoretically, at least, i am cancer free right now.

so much to update everyone on but i am waiting for some final decisions from the docs and such...so in the meantime just wanted to do a quick hey.....just glad i'm done w/ the chemo.

am going skiing next week w / emma & ben and then onto wash. d.c. w/ everyone. hoping to finish paying all the bills and catching up by then. i am buried under paper. i swear paper paralizes me. i feel like my nana. she used to sit next to stacks of newspapers that she was definitely going to read. the pile was as tall as she. i'm trying to throw out paper a little bit more frequently but i've realized that i am a horder....

then the bills & insurance are a whole 'nother matter. crazy.

next up...curling :)

bald is beautiful?

so now that i'm nearing the end (hopefully!) of being bald, i guess i should bite the bullet and post a few photos of me bald. not sure i subscribe to the notion that bald is beautiful. it actually makes me feel vulnerable and naked but here they are.

me "dressed up" and me w/ lisa in my usual sweat combo.

curious to see what color i'll grow it all back.....

last round, maialino encore, jane & lisa

wow. cannot believe that i haven't posted since my last chemo which was last tuesday. expected to feel bad and didn't feel as bad as i thought i would but am still tired. i've been napping every day since and i've got all the dryness, cracking and bloody noses that i usually do but I'M DONE.

i thank my lucky stars since i'm not so into god these days that lisa's come in almost every 3 weeks to be with me for the chemo bad days....every time she leaves i think i cry. she's been such a nice, calming presence to have in the house. i know i'll miss her visits ....

so reflections on last chemo round....wow.

my friend jane from vt came in w/ her daughter and puppy for the actual infusion - so nice seeing her. we went to my chemo - always a weird, nice time. my mom and jane were both there. we talked, read, and before you knew it we were done.

then we went to maialino and met up with some of my buds from tufts, my brother & his wife and ate and drank ourselves silly. not too much talking about cancer, rather talk about everything else. again the atmosphere, food and drink were perfect :). it is my new favorite restaurant. i ordered for the table with captain social's help ...antipasta's, salads, pastas, vegetable sides....fish, meat, dessert....so good. drank copious amounts of wine - white & red. i always figure after getting all that shit put in my system, what difference could a little wine make anyway???

the next day we went to lion king w/ sam & jane's daughter....it was sam's first broadway show- he was awestruck. by thursday, i was going into chemo fog as the storm hit the northeast....jane left with a storm swirling behind her and lisa arrived just before 684 got hit. lucky travelers :)

this round has been so much more tiring than the others but the rest of the effects have been tolerable. i'm still tired. i try to take a nap but mostly just lie down every day after lunch still. they say it takes 3 weeks to feel normal but the drugs are still floating around for up to 6 months...

here's me w/ ben. he's trying to show me how to do a new game that jane does all the time. during the snow storm, ben took it upon himself to build a quisnee (not sure of spelling) and fix my old computer.

here are pictures of the quisnee:

excited, nervous & a bit bummed

so hard to get ready for last chemo. right now i am feeling almost like my old self 100%. i'm bouncy, have lots of energy and am happy. while i cannot wait to be able to say that i am done done done w/ chemo, i am dreading the after effects of receiving it. it really took a full 2 weeks to feel somewhat normal again and i hate that lethargic, tired, crabbiness that overtakes me.

i am excited about my end of chemo celebration lunch ...we are returning to maiailino - and i have a great group joining me tomorrow....so for now, i am focusing on that

my friend, jane, from vt (married to dan of the rock) is driving in for this last treatment. it'll be good to spend some time with her. since howard is still away we are having a girls sleepover tonight. just like old times :))

am running right now. HAVE to get some time in the sun and this will be my last run for 3 weeks i am sure....:(.

more later.....

pizza club

yesterday was herceptin and my first echo. they periodically check your heart function when your on herceptin as it can adversely effect your heart. my cousin, yvonne came with me and we managed to have another "best day ever".

herceptin was quick, my doctor's office was awesome - lots of q's & a's and some investigating on this new idea a friend and i have had that relates somewhat to cancer & care.....then onto echo. only my dr. would send me to madison avenue for an echo:). my function was great (yippee!). felt like i got my first good news since being diagnosed....it's the first of many f/up tests before moving onto the next step so i was glad to get an "a" on this one. i brought charlie's rock with me for good luck.

it's coming in the bag to all of them!


it was fun walking on madison avenue - since being diagnosed i haven't really window shopped and it was fun glancing at the new spring fashions. yvonne is a great companion....she was game for anything. i dragged her to maboussin to see their rings. i love their amethyst rings - all their ads are starting to work on me!

big choice after - momofuku or motorino (recently rated best on the east coast for pizza...). yvonne and i decided it was a pizza day and headed downtown.....

so we walk into motorino and one of my friend's husband's who is friends with my sister from college is sitting there with his "pizza club". so fun. we all started comparing notes on pizza....pepe's, co, sal's, keste, no. 28, johnny's...these guys knew their pizza and they weren't sure if we could keep up...ha!

we ordered 2 pies, 2 salads and a bottle of wine and the eating began.

be still my heart - now this is a crust worth coming in for. i love co but motorino's crust is perfect....we were so thrilled with the ones we got that i asked our server if we were missing anything and he suggested we get the soppressata (we had ordered the margherita and the brussel sprout - OMG - awesome awesome) so we got another pie. bruce & his group were impressed. we may have passed muster and are hoping to get invited to the next 'za meeting.......:).

we were the last ones seated and i overheard our server and the guy he was talking to (the owner / chef, matthieu) (they were talking french and i knew he was from belgium). we asked if we could tell him how much we LOVED his pizza. he was adorable - came over and chatted and then i asked him if he'd ever met chris bianco - the famed best pizza in the country who coincidentally grew up and went to hs with ME :). i am dying (not right word i guess on a bc blog) but desperate, let's say to go to phoenix to try chris' pizza.....trying to shoot him an email to say hey.....

anyway, ended by going to milk bar and getting cookies & coffee to go....

came home and had to go to sleep for an hour.

great great day.

yoga's goddesses

so i go to restorative yoga most wednesdays...my yogi has this picture of kali that i've always been attracted to ..here's what it says about kali:

themes
rebirth, courage, hope, cleansing,
her name means time
natural forces that either build or destroy
she changes the cycles
she reminds us that good can come from challenges

i like that.

5th round begins & little owl

today was the 5th round of chemo. the only good thing about this is that now i only have 1 more round to go. i'm actually dreading the fatigue this go-round as last round was pretty lousy. that said, chemo itself was again pleasant in that weird way it is. my mom & karen came in with me (jackie we missed you!) and then we met up with 2 other friends down at little owl.

many of you might remember that i worked there a few years ago...the food, the people who work there and the overall ambiance of it remain special. the best thing about chemo treatments have been my lunches afterwards.

the food - be still my heart - i swear i wanted to smack my hand down on the table while we were eating the appetizers - they were that good!

i ordered for the table...(i love sharers)....so we ordered sliders (of course) - still rock my world, clam strips w/ fried lemon (yummy), salad and cavatelli. all finished by our table. for main we got the duck, cod & goat cheese gnocchi w/ brussel sprouts & potatoes, cauliflour & broccoli. we ended with the raspberry beignets & nutella....again joey's menus are unique yet comforting. the preparation of the food itself is simply a joy to eat. service was great and to be honest it was a total pleasure to reconnect with my friends who work there.

a great beginning for this round....will check in later.

5 weeks left!!!!!

i am almost giddy with the knowledge that i only have 5 weeks left of "active" treatment left. while 2 of those weeks will be chemo sucky weeks, the fact remains that i am getting close to being done with it. stage 2 will be over before i know it!

am mostly just more tired than had been. my dr's office wants me to try and rest for a bit during the day and slow down on the workouts. that's something that's kind of hard for me to do happily but i am walking more and running less and moving slower.

yesterday was herceptin. went in with karen c...it's so funny. the other women who were being treated are ones that i know / have seen around the office a few times at this point and it's a nice, warm, supportive group. as i said to karen, who commented on how nice everyone was yesterday, "you don't want to be part of the group but if you're in the club, it's a nice one."

silver lining, right?

am meeting w/therapist today. don't really know what to expect with that. i'm going in feeling like i don't have much to say but i'm sure i'll end up with some tears...always.

5 weeks and counting down!

round #4 sucked

lest it be lost or i forget (all too common with chemo), round 4 totally sucked. i don't know whether it's the cumulative effect but i just didn't feel well...my stomach and aches were all worse. not fun. it's the first time i had to leave an event because i didn't feel up to staying which is probably more upsetting to me than anyone else.

glad round 4 is pretty much done and that i can red "x" another week off my schedule.

chemo sucks...don't let anyone tell you differently.

ooh....maialino....

i had herceptin today and followed it with a visit to danny meyer's new restaurant, maialino.....

wow. i think i may have a new favorite restaurant. maialino is so beautifully done.....from the bar when you walk in all the way to the back room - what a pleasure. it's located in ian schrager's newly redone gramercy hotel - at the very end of lexington on the border of gramercy park. (trying not to date myself i did stay there when the hotel was a dump. i remember the mattress being on a slant)

the location still puts you in the center of the city yet in a quiet, slightly remote part of the big apple....the new entrance is subdued yet subtly elegant. when you walk into the restaurant, you feel as though you've found a little bit of europe in nyc.....while it's not quite roman in feeling i do believe the menu is geared towards rome...... rome (to my best recollection) has more of frenetic, crowded feeling which you totally do not have at maialino.

i want to talk about the food before i forget it (due to chemo)....we started with the fried artichokes, dandelion greens and the bottarga salad with the egg. while the dandelion greens were kind of small for a portion, they were deliciously dressed. the artichokes were the crowed favorite. perfectly done! we followed that with the salumi misti... a perfect assortment of cured meats with olives.

we then had 3 of their pastas, the cacio & pepe, the bolottini and the ravioli's....all yummy....and that was followed by the baccala, the chicken & the lamb...along with the potatoes, the brussel sprouts and the cippoline onions....a perfect assortment of food for the 5 of us....lucky everyone agreed to sharing!

dessert ...well some at the table wanted to pass but there was no way. i'm a huge fan of affogato (perfect dessert!) and it was superb. we joined that with the poached pear and the chocolate bread pudding....which were 2 of my friends' favorites. i still go with the affogato ....

i will say the service still needs a bit of help...they are eager and more than happy to oblige you but there were many mistakes throughout the course of our meal....we started with no pepper in our mill and continually needed to ask for serving pieces (we were 5 people sharing) for all our courses. our salt & pepper disappeared off the table at one point and we had to ask them to retrieve them. additionally, they were a little too eager to clear....we were still contemplating whether to mop up the remains on various plates when the servers came to take the plates away and it would have been embaressing to say, "wait - i'm still going to mop that up!".

a little less hurried service would probably solve that problem along with a little more attention to what should be on a table - ie. salt, pepper mill (filled), napkins, serving pieces, utensils.....because of the friendliness of the help, though, it never became a real issue. it just should be corrected so it can be in line with the rest of meyer's restaurants.....

cancer be damned, it was another great meal. not for nothing, but my companions made it alot of fun....thank you!!

onward. remains of sucky chemo round 4 are pretty much gone....hoping for 2 relatively good weeks......

he shoots, he scores!!!!

can i just brag for 2 minutes about sam? his team was featured at the rangers game on thursday and in the little game they played after the first period, sam scored the only goal. big highlight of the week:)

charlie's rock

i got a piece of charlie's rock today from dan & jane in vt.

sometimes you get something from someone and it totally breaks you up. charlie died jumping off Lone Rock Point in Burlington. He was surrounded by friends and family but it was a tragic death. Charlie was 22 or 23, i think, and he was dan's younger brother. dan doesn't say alot about sickness or death - he's a doer. i like to tease dan ...he's always "the man with the plan" so his carving from charlie's rock is huge to me.

it's a heart.

in his note which (typical of dan) he included the geographic history of the rock formation and added an historian's point of view, and these words, "may it bestow you with some of its mystical qualities and may you belike the cedar trees that grow on it - a truly resilient and hearty survivor"

thanks dan....xoxoxoxox

i've been to lake champlain many many times and we always go by charlie's rock although i'm too chicken to jump off. maybe this summer i'll do it.

chemo - round 4

more than 1/2 way done!! had chemo on monday and went to locanda verde after for lunch. i realized i'm basically eating my way through treatment. how many good restaurants can i include in this??

am happy to report that i did not get in trouble for having too many guests at chemo....was afraid i would get booted if i did. this week i went in w/ my soccer girls, naja & coco, my mom & howard. howard stays just until we know the blood count is good to go...so i was ok w/ the number. phew! it's kind of embaressing but i do like to have my peeps there.

anyway, at lunch we met up with my friends, elena, sarah & my sister-in-law, philippa. my mom loved meeting them and treated us all to lunch...so it turned into a pretty nice day, all-in-all.

today is my "hump" day. am trying desperately to beat the drugs at their own game. sam's hockey team is skating at msg tonight in between the 1st & 2nd periods so i walked early, took a nap, ate my anytime bars, yogurt and soup and am hopefully good to go to msg. that'll be a big outing for me. normally i just sit my ass on the sofa and catch up on videos and "mad men".

go mariners go!

bday :)

so - today is my b'day....glad i made it :)

had a scare this week ...started out w/ a stomach virus on monday at 5:30 am that had me more nauseous and sick than the chemo i've been on. it was coming out of both ends and i swear i felt like i was a spongebob character. suffice it to say that it was not pretty and the saying"oh, i crapped my pants" definitely came to mind.

ended up with me having to go into my oncologist's office to make sure that i wasn't sick enough to be checked into the hospital. i was running a fever of about 101 and their worry got me worried.....packing my bag, i didn't even know what to pack. what do you pack for the hospital? i guess i need to relook at my bathrobe & pj's, just in case. kind of like having that bag packed for the hospital when you're pregnant only this time it's not a good reason.

also reminded me that as great as i might be feeling most of the time, i'm still a bit fragile and i'd been pushing that envelope a bit too much over the vacation week....so. no more late late nights and no more than my social occasional wine. bummer. knew it was too good to be true!!!!

despite all those good resolutions, went to union square cafe today for lunch for a b'day meal ....can't even count how many wonderful meals / occasions i've had there. it was where howard and i went for his first b'day we celebrated together way back in 1987 i think. (november). there was a snow fall that night.

we've had a few anniversaries there and a few b'days and many many great meals just at the bar.

to be honest, our waitress today was a bit bitchy but the food still rocks and the place is still a stand out.

looking forward to my cake later w/ the kids.

ciao!

2010

had too much champagne last night but it was good champagne so not feeling the effects. probably too much for someone on chemo but what the hell. you only go around this popsicle stand once, right?

had a fun night, hanging with my buds, shooting pool and eating caviar and drinking champage. finding that with the chemo / metal taste that only some foods can cut through...and champagne is one of them:). i like the bubbly effect too!

i know that no one really follows this on the blog spot but wanted to wish those of you who do a happy, healthy year filled with great moments of joy.

best day ever

so....this one's for you, marilyn!!!

here we are, ben, emma, me, bryan, sam, lauren and marilyn at MOMA.

We braved the crowds and went into Tim Burton. How crazy is it that i got 10 of us in with my one membership?? we bypassed all the lines, met sam & my friends from hockey, irene & jack and also another friend, katie. exhibit is awesome but was way way way too crowded. ben got yelled at for doing what you would think they would want kids to do, which is draw on the little booklet they hand out. the guard yelled at him for leaning on the wall.

sam & jack sam, bryan & lauren

sam was thrilled to get that fleece herceptin blanket from my oncologist's office. it turned out to be really helpful in keeping him warm all over the city. thanks beth!!!:)

we went to Co and ate pizza. of course, we hit Co the day it was written up in the Times for best bites. The meatball pizza is totally worth eating!